Insomnia

I'm not sure if you remember but I drove past Kincross Avenue in Caulfield last night. I drove past the bench we sat on for 5 minutes. And that was enough for everything to come tumbling down, again.

Beautiful Little Fool

In my younger and more vulnerable years my father gave me some advice that I've been turning over in my mind ever since.
"Whenever you feel like criticizing any one," he told me, "just remember that all the people in this world haven't had the advantages that you've had."

- Opening lines, The Great Gatsby.

I often observe the world around me and believe that we(that is my friends and I) are what one would generally consider to be privileged.

Whilst we may not be growing up with the lavish lifestyles of heiress in New York or young royals in London in the greater context on things, it is rather clear that we live stereotypically "good lives". We complain about money, but that can be easily obtained with a couple of "pleases'". We complain about university, but we all still got in. We complain about how those around us do not live up to our expectations, but we never stop to consider whether we truly live up to theirs.

Admittedly, I will walk down the street observing a woman speaking with a horrible bogan accent dressed in a suit that could have been obtained from the gutter for all I know, but when did we establish that I, a student from a privileged family who has perhaps achieved nothing particularly significant in life, could judge someone else based on their attire and pattern of speech?

What if she was the first one from her family to make something of herself? What if she was the pride and joy of her family? What if she had surpassed all the expectations society had given her? What if, in the greater context of things, she had made something of herself?

When did I over the years, even begin to believe that I could criticize her based on her clothes and her speech?

It is perhaps the social context that I am from that leads my peers and I to act this way. Top tier private education, annual holidays that would amount to a yearly salary of an average person living in a newly industrialized country and an upbringing that essentially meant that we could have the world at our feet.

But when judging this woman, we never stop to EVER consider whether or not she has had the same privileges as we have had. We never stop to ask, maybe if she had a father as a surgeon or an investment banker as a mother, maybe she would have a better suit, or been educated in a prestigious environment where she would have been taught to speak well. Maybe, if she could go on annual holidays, she would have greater access to better designers, or better mid-range chain stores.

Of course in this circumstance we are only judging her on the face of things, and maybe that is what we should be criticized for. When did everything to do with a person become something entirely materialistic? Growing up in a world where we have access to the greatest of clothes and the greatest of cars, maybe we're the ones which should be criticized, for our lack of appreciation of what many consider to be "the greatest things in life"- Family. Friends. Love.

It is that, that is possibly the greatest flaw created by society today. Amongst our spend thrift lifestyles and our coffees in Prahran maybe we have lost the ability to sit back and appreciate the true meaning of what we should really appreciate in life. With our bags, hair and make up that make us beautiful, we have become fools to what the world has to offer below the surface. We as a society, have become beautiful little fools.

And maybe we ought to change that. The question is whether or not we will.

You and I collide.

When I was young, I placed my own self importance above all else. I used to criticize and judge people. I used to knit pick. My blogs were littered with my narrow-mindedness because I magnified every apparent flaw in people and grouped them into stereo-types: sluts, emos, bullimic, attention-seekers etc. And now, as I witness people who are going through their own phase of self-righteousness and self-importance, I know my futile attempts to correct them would be made redundant. Because as we grow, we learn to tolerate and empathasize. We accept. We accept because that's how a decent human being ought to live. In many aspects, we realise that the world is not our oyster, it's far from it. We were merely the toads in the well looking up and proclaming that the sky is the size of the well's circumference. Bathing in our own ignorance will lead to short-comings. Human interactions are vital in life. We cannot carry our prejudices and our code of living with us forever. Because as we enter the real world, some people and some things are unavoidable. And then they collide.

It's like when you see a group of teenagers gathered in a shopping mall creating general chaos, and after you have muttered something negative about them, you realise you were in fact one of them all those years ago. And people, just like yourself today, would have shown their contempt towards you.

When you judge someone, you don't define them. You define yourself.

i love diet coke.

Hello world,
This morning I woke up pondering whether I should finally go get that haircut of mine. I'm always a little bit hesitant because after every haircut, a wave of nostalgia sweeps over me. It is almost as if I am unable to accept the change in my hairstyle. Getting a haircut is much like a metaphor for my life. I look at myself in the mirror and watch as the ends are slowly being chipped away. I look down. I cringe. I become nervous and uncomfortable. After every haircut, all I ever wanted to do is sleep. For some peculiar reason, I feel all energy has been sapped out of my body even though I have been stationary the whole time. Haircuts really get to me.

Often when I'm staring into space, my subconsciousness takes control as if my mind has completely detached from my body. A man beside me appears. He represents all my thoughts and my feelings. He makes me feel so insignificant to the point I question my own existence. I question whether I am real. It is though as if there is another Kevin He looking down at me, from the third person, questioning all my motives and aspirations which leads me to doubt. And whilst all this is happening, I lay dormant, unable to respond to his accusations and interrogations. I imitate in silence. I close my eyes and hope by the time they re-open, the man beside me will have disappeared.

I find myself in this conundrum time and time again. Life is so convoluted and it makes my mind ache. I'm unable to separate myself from the man beside me. He will appear all of a sudden and take control. He represents the war that I will never win.

Reginald D'souza

I remember the people who were the constants in a period of my life. At the time, I thought we would never be apart. I thought we could talk forever about whatever. And what we had was beautiful. But inevitably, those moments passed me by and those names bring back only memories. It's sad but human relationships will always be fickle. People will come into your life, bring joys to your world and make you laugh uncontrollably and then leave. Not because you were not compatible anymore or people have lost things to talk about, but it's the natural progression of things. All good things come to an end. Holding on only delays the inevitable. Just be grateful it had happened, and think very fondly of those names in passing.

So I have learnt never to take people for granted. Because they might not be here next year, next month or even next week. I'm prepared to let go. Dwelling on what should have happened to prolong whatever we had is stupid, it takes away too much effort and time that could be invested into future offerings. Life is to be lived and not to be dwelled upon. Positive energy means being spontaenous, anticipating the chance and grabbing the moment with both hands. It's the attitude of happy go lucky and lowering whatever barricade or wall you have so there will be no regrets. And of course, by putting yourself out there, you're vulnerable to pain and suffering but such emotions only come about because of one's ego and pride. Self esteem is broken and in return, one might feel it was not worth it in the first place. But I don't have pride or ego, because I am the one living recklessly. I am the one pursuing self-filfulment only for moments and these pleasures do not leave me thinking it will last forever. I roll with the tide, I'm never stuck in one place. Ego and self esteem are ingredients for being stuck, they attempt to rectify and offer solutions to problems that cannot be solved. When ego is eliminated, then life becomes smooth.

I don't have an ego because I simply don't care. And that is wrong.

I hate this part right here.

So there I was, sipping a tall mocha latte on the top level of starbucks on swanston street by myself at 9 am, watching the world go by. I realised I had not been in touch with my feelings for quite a while. I've been denied the chance to sit down and gather my thoughts; the holidays has been hectic but that Saturday morning, I managed to do so. I tried so hard to put myself in your position and wondered what may have influenced you to give it all up. I tried so hard to understand. I really did. And then reality hit me and you were right. You were always right. From that moment onwards, I removed myself from world I had created in my head.

In the end, I understood.

Norwegian Wood

I once had a girl or should I say she once had me.